That's what I remember Elisabeth Elliot for--that saying that means you don't have to conquer it all at once. Just do one step at a time. Keep moving.
At the end of probably the toughest week of my life, I'm trying to decide just what to write. I don't want to be a total downer--I just can't live life like that.
I had decided to give myself one week to totally wallow in my own self-pity. On Tuesday, instead of going to Luke's football game, I was on the couch watching 147 episodes of "House Hunters International." I haven't cooked since Monday. My kitchen looked like a wreck. I told myself that I could stay in bed late in the mornings (since I don't have to be to work until 11:00).
But, Thursday morning I woke up and thought, "Enough of this." And I set out to do the next thing. I cleaned the kitchen. Made the bed. Made a list. And you know what? It felt good to be doing something again.
Throughout this whole process I have felt like no one but us was actually looking out for Luke's best interests. For where he would have the best chance for success. So I prayed that God, who loves Luke more than I do, as hard as that is to believe, would look out for Luke. Would place him wherever he needed to be, even if it was not with me. And I meant that prayer.
BUT...I DID think that if God was going to place him somewhere besides with me, He would change my feelings. Make me believe it. And I don't. Make me think, "Yeah, he should go over there." But I never said that. Never thought that.
I guess that's where trust comes in. I don't feel it but I have to believe that God is looking out for Luke. That may be through some tough times. I may not understand it at all. But I need to just trust. And keep moving and doing the next thing.
I don't pray that he'll come back here. Now that he's moved, it is best for him to stay there. Imagine how hard that would be to him to have to move yet again!!! Changing parents twice is hard enough, I think.
I pray that he will be safe. I pray that he will not be sad. I pray that he will choose good friends who love God. I pray that he will be obedient at school. I pray that he will sleep well without nightmares. I pray he will know that we love him--always that.
This has been a tough, tough week. And I don't know when it'll get any easier. I talked with him on the phone today for the first time and had to sign off earlier than I would like because I was emotional. His little voice...
These songs calm me down. They remind me to Trust. I believe that God has a plan. I believe that I do not understand it right now. I believe that sometimes trust and belief are choices to be made--not feelings. So, I am choosing to believe. (And, I must mention, that these are friends of ours in Huddersfield, England, singing these songs.)
As much as this hurts, and it is terrible, in light of what's to come in eternity this will be just a snap of the fingers. My mind cannot comprehend this, but I cannot see the big picture. I can only see this puny time in my little life that is nothing compared to eternity.
Thanks for praying for us. We appreciate each one. We need it to make it through.
Kitt.
Oh, and I needed to end with a happy, make-you-smile picture of my sweetie granddaughter, Payton!
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