Now what?

So, since it's all about me and everyone is probably just hanging around waiting for me to write the next installment, here's where we're at right now...

Do you ever feel like you're just on the verge of tears, so you distract yourself? I walk around like that all day long. (Well, except when I'm at work...then I'm totally concentrating on medical care and the cost of hemorrhoid surgeries...) One word, a certain thought, a hug from a friend can set me off. I've debated the wisdom of pushing all those thoughts away. Once I get going crying it's tough to stop. But you need to let it all out sometimes, right? I bottle it all up until late at night. Don't call me around 10pm, OK?

Then I look up at the picture of my little Crusader football player and try to remember what it felt like when he'd give me a great hug (or rub my earlobes. He went through a phase when my earlobes were "so soft" that he felt the need to feel them constantly. I thought I was going to end up with earlobes down to my shoulders!)

The best way I can describe what I feel like is to say someone has taken a cheese grater and rubbed it all over my emotions. Can you feel how raw and painful that would feel?

I wanted to go to his football game last night. I thought it would probably be good for him to see me and that I would still be there. But I couldn't do it. It just all seems too fresh. I stayed home.

No one takes theses dogs outside to throw the ball like he did every day after school. They have no one  to leave yogurt containers out that they can steal. The dogs are sad. (On a related note, anyone want two doggies? One year old, females. Papi-poo and shih-poo. Spayed. Complete with beds and food. Enthusiastic dogs. Exuberant dogs. Excellent with kids, but need someone who can channel their energy. Pip and Sparky.)

But...we can eat supper without constant interruptions. I don't have to be sure that I leave work by the stroke of 3:00 p.m. to go get him at school. I can sleep in next Saturday. I just had myself to worry about during church last Sunday. I'd give it all away to have him back.

I realize that what I am going through is nothing compared to some of you. Some of you have had to say good bye for the rest of your earthly life to your loved little ones. I feel selfish for my pain and worry. Some of you have been so gracious offering me words of comfort. It has meant ALOT!

One woman wrote that I will feel better someday. I will be able to sing all the songs at church and not feel like they're scraping that cheese-grater-ed emotion. I will be able to talk about Luke without crying. Not today. Probably not next week. Maybe in a year. That gave me comfort. Someday.

We dedicated Luke to the Lord in front of the church when we lived in England. Here is a transcript of that service:

Pastor Colin:

Lord, we want to just say what a privilege it is for this little boy to be in this family. And we pray, God, that as they seek to bring him up in the Knowledge of Jesus, we know that Luke is not here by accident, that Loy and Kitt do not have him by accident. He’s here on purpose in this family, he’s here by design in this family. And we know that this is the best family he could’ve been put in because you chose this family, so it’s the perfect family for him.

And we pray that as Luke begins to see church, begins to see the Lord Jesus in the house of the Lord, we pray that he will quickly get a revelation from a young age and he’ll begin to see Jesus for himself in a real way. From this age let him take into his spirit, into his heart, into his mind the pearls of the Kingdom an understanding of salvation and let this boy, called Luke, Lord, I pray in the name of Jesus, know what it is to walk with the Lord.

And I just sense the Lord would say this, “From the atoms that were created at the beginning of the galaxy when they were thrown into space, the atoms that were meant to be Luke were purposed for this generation.”

Says the Lord, even now, “You might think it was by default you took this boy into your family. You may think it was by default that you have him this day but,” says your God, “it was not by default, it was by design and, because it was designed and Luke this day is here, because the atoms that I created, the atoms that I put together, the atoms that were formed in his mother’s womb, were purposed for this day, for this time, to be in your family and,” says the Lord, “I will, even this day, come upon you and you will be like parents to this young man and I will give you wisdom. I will give you wisdom of understanding that you have never had yourselves, even bringing up your own children. I’m going to go beyond that and I’m going to give you a greater wisdom for a unique situation. I’m going to give you unique wisdom for a unique time for a unique little boy.

“And this little boy called Luke, even now, I gave him his name before the foundation and the pillars of the world were set in place. He is going to be a Luke. He’s going to be a master medical doctor in the things of the world. He will be a spiritual doctor mending lives, mending broken hearts, mending those who don’t know where to turn,” says the Lord.

“I have given him this name called Luke because I have purposed Luke to be the man I created him to be. And,” says the Lord, “even when you worry about him, even when things do not seem to be working out, remember what I have said--his life belongs to Me and I have designed him to function for Me.”

  

Pastor Andrew: 

Hey Luke. God wants you to know that you’re very special. You’re very special to God. You’re very special to all those people out there, isn’t that right?

God created you to a purpose. You belong to him. That’s why your name is Luke Christian. So you have to always remember that on this day God said to you you’re very special to Him and He loves you with all His heart and He has a big, big heart and He has some big plans for you. They’re exciting plans. So you remember that.

And I just feel for the two of you, just two words. And I kind of know the situation but I really sense, in my heart, as Colin was prophesying, before the beginning of time God had this day planned. And there are so many questions floating around, but two words, “God knows. God knows. God knows.” And in all the things ahead, God knows. Let that settle into your heart. The Bible says, “Even though my mother and father forsake me, the Lord will receive me.” And God has such a plan for Luke that he placed you guys in his life. Remember God knows. Don’t worry about the future. He holds the future in his hands.

I'll try to always remember...God Knows.