Getting Through It 9-20

Hello,

The past five years or so have been really hard ones for me. . . cancer, leaving for England, getting Luke, and now losing Luke. One thing I have discovered is that the way I process things is to write about them. Some crazy people have said that they like to read what I write, so I've started a new blog to journal all this, if you're interested.

Anyhow, almost four years ago we got our little Lukie. He was naughty...so naughty. I remember the first rest time I put him in. When I came to "release" him he had overturned his night stand and toys were everywhere. Another time he took all the knobs off his dresser. Or the time he snuck out into the garage during rest time and was playing in the Loy's jeep when Loy came home. He hightailed it back to his bedroom but left his shoes and a few toys in the jeep, so we caught him. 

He cried out during the night every night...not waking up, just crying. When I went in his room he wouldn't wake up. Just cried. The only thing that consoled him was to sit in my lap and I sang. And sang.

There were many days when he sat on my lap and we sang. Song after song. For hours. 

I remember the "Poopy Trophy." That coveted award was presented after someone went five days without pooping in his pants. He's still got it sitting on his desk.

We would take long walks. He'd walk or run beside me as I pushed the jogging stroller. Then, when he got tired, he'd climb in and eat the snack that was waiting for him. After a rest he'd get out and finish the walk.

We've sat at the dining table and played dominoes or Labrynth or UNO. I can do a 100-piece puzzle with the best of them (although I always saved the last 5 or so pieces for him to do). We've played Play-dough, although I'm terrible. I can only make snakes or balls. 

I've sent him to time out, sent him to his room, and, on occasion, spanked that little bottom. I've sat in the audience during graduations and programs and sports events. 

I've gotten in bed with him at night and played "The Question Game." How many times have I answered what animal I like best or what kind of car I would like to drive?

I think back to those times, then compare him to the confident, funny, obedient kid he is now. He still can be naughty and sassy. He still does things that drive me crazy. He still has much, much energy to burn. 

I love him. He's my boy. 

So, last Tuesday when the gavel struck and the judge said, "Guardianship is terminated." it was the beginning of the end. My little boy is leaving us. Saturday. Two days away. And I don't know how I can even pretend to do this.

Right now I can see nothing good of this. It hurts...terribly. I cry often. But I know that I know that God is here. That there must be some crazy plan that He knows. I don't always feel this in my heart, but my head knows. 

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways," says the Lord. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." That verse is written on the huge chalkboard in my kitchen. At the bottom are three little words, written in 1st grade handwriting...

"I Love Mom."

I love you too, Lukie. Always will.