10-23 Flying: The Dream

Back in the day, when Loy and I were just young and carefree and starting to have a tiny bit of money to invest, we met with an investment counselor. He asked us what our goals were. We were so clueless!! We came up with very few. The only one I can even remember is that we said we wanted to be able to travel and take nice vacations. The counselor was rather stunned...he said our goals were really more modest than about anyone he'd ever counseled. That's probably just a nice way to say we were living in a naive little dream world!!

We HAVE travelled quite a bit...vacations to Michigan, Florida, Texas, Colorado (Dude Ranch), Georgia (private island), Jamaica, Bahamas, Hawaii, San Diego, Table Rock Lake, Minnesota, Mt. Rushmore (Or Mt. Mushroom, as little Paul used to say), Cancun, Phoenix, Maine, Outer Banks, Seattle...just to name those that come to mind right away. Some in motels, some in cabins, some at resorts, some with family. I've tried to mix it up each year, although my heart is ALWAYS at the beach.

I get an idea and then become obsessed with trying to find the perfect spot. I'll scour the internet (before the internet it was scouring travel books and magazines.) I'll look up reviews and try to find out of the way places or something unusual. I'll look at probably hundreds of places before one, for some strange reason, will sort of jump out at me and I'll think, "Hey. Maybe this is IT." And we've been pretty happy with most of our trips.

So, it is not surprising that I've become obsessed with "House Hunters International" (HHI) I started out with just a little recreational "House Hunters" addiction. But then, soon, it wasn't enough. I had to watch both shows. Then "House Hunters" didn't even touch my need. I just became annoyed at those people. And the houses seemed so much the same. Just hardcore HHI for me.

In case you've been living in a cave, HHI is a show about people who are looking to rent or buy a place to live in a foreign country. I tell myself that I watch it to see what other cultures are like. Right. And some men get "Playboy" to read the articles.

Here are some truths I have learned from "HHI."

1. Life in the US is hectic and busy. The only way to escape that is to move to another country.
2. Tell the realtor that you want to live explore the country's culture. Then pick out a house that is as close to a house here in the US as is possible.
3. Living near the city center is always a must.
4. You cannot survive without at least three bedrooms and 2 bathrooms.
5. Act extremely amazed and surprised when they show you the dorm-sized refrigerator.
6. You must be near the beach.
7. Everyone must have room to entertain. (Maybe that is why life seems so hectic...we're always entertaining!)
8. When it comes time to state your budget, tell the realtor much, much less than you can pay. They will ignore whatever you say anyway.
9. Go into any house and whine about how the floors are not too nice or that it's too cramped or that the kitchen is not modern or the bathroom is small. All these things MUST be changed immediately.
10. If you can imaging yourself sitting out on the patio having a cup of coffee or drinking a glass of wine, it must be the place for you.

I find myself wishing I was moving to these countries for a time. Then I realize, "We did that!" I wasn't in on the apartment hunt, but we did live in a foreign country for a year. That was us!! We can take another sabbatical in 2016 (I think). I'm starting to work on Loy now--studying at University of Bahamas sounds good, doesn't it?

Loy emailed me an article from the Wall Street Journal about a retired couple who sold their house and lives out their dream of travel. They go wherever they want in the world and live in different cultures for 4-6 weeks in each place. They rent a vacation rental type house and just absorb the culture. It sounded really cool to me. Without having to pay for house payments or insurance or utilities, their investments give them $6,000/month. Sometimes they overspend (depending on where they're living). But then they'll pick some really cheap place for the next place to balance it out. Some days they play tourist. Others they just stay home and do laundry or take a walk. I kind of liked that idea. When traveling from one continent to another they take cruises that are moving their ships. The cruise may take 2-3 weeks (from US to Europe) but it's slow and they adjust to the time difference slowly and it's cheap if you time it right. Sounds great to me!

The "fly in the ointment" is family. Living in England for ten months about killed me--I missed out on the planning for two of my kids' weddings. I couldn't see my friends or family. I was lonely. As much as I love Loy, I don't think he'd be enough for me week in, week out!  (Sorry, Honey!) And, now that we have a GrandSweetie, how could I ever leave that bundle???

But, it's something to dream about. Who knows....

10-17 Soaring...for Awhile

This past summer, when it became evident that we were going to be forced down the road towards living Luke-less, Loy and I decided that we needed to have something fun in the works. Something to do together after all this hurt and sadness. Something to prove that life will go on and we will have fun.

If you don't know me well you may not realize that I absolutely LOVE to plan vacations. It's almost as much fun to plan as it is to go. I scour the internet, looking for the perfect spot to suit my agenda for the trip. It becomes an obsession until I make my decision. I've taken our family to Maine to stay in an old house on the Penobscot Bay. We've stayed on the Little Glenn Lake in Michigan. Dude ranch in Colorado. Private island off the coast of Georgia. (I don't think Jamaica and Hawaii count, as my good friend planned those...we just tagged along.) Some have been better than others, but all have had their highlights.

For this trip we had some criteria:  we only had Thursday at 4:00 p.m. until Tuesday night; we didn't want a city this time--we craved quiet, restful, calm; a beach would be wonderful; if I'm going to the beach, I want my cabin to be ON THE BEACH (not one house in, not across a street. I want to go out my door and be on the beach); warm. Do you get the feel for what I was looking for?

There is a wonderful website (and they're not even paying me to say this!): www.vrbo.com  People list their vacation homes for rent. We have used them several times and always had a good experience. So I typed in my dates and beachfront (being sure to say I wanted something small. We didn't need a "sleeps 20" type house!) One of the choices caught my eye and that was the one we eventually booked--North Captiva Island, Florida.

There is Captiva Island which is beautiful but touristy. Then there is a separate island called NORTH Captiva. Getting there involved us taking two planes from Omaha to Fort Myers. An overnight stay in a hotel, then a taxi ride for an hour to Pine Island Marina, where we caught the ferry to the island. No cars allowed on the island. Golf carts were as wild as it got.

We had to order our groceries ahead of time on the mainland and pick them up on the way because the island has no grocery. There are four restaurants, a boat marina, a shirt/ice cream shop, and a convenience store. That's it. One day we lunched at Barnacle Phil's. Our tab was $53!!! Prices on the island were a bit high.  Our little one room (plus bathroom) cottage was right on the beach, bay side.

I hate to bore you but we slept late, read a lot, walked on all the beaches, picked up shells, played games, and ate. We loved every single minute of it. There was no wi fi in our cottage to Loy's dismay (I personally enjoyed that fact!) He did drive our golf cart over to one of the restaurant's parking lots twice to get on their wireless.

We had a friendly lizard in our cottage, about 3 inches long. We named him "Lenny" and he was our friend until one day I wanted to brush my teeth and he was right there. I told Loy, "You've got to get rid of 'that lizard.'" Loy went in and grabbed his tail. Then he came walking out with just the tail, still moving!! Lenny had ditched the tail.

We saw ten dolphins playing in the water one day. Two turtles. Some impressive bird (I thought it was an eagle--do they live that far south?) The guest book talked about seeing manatees, but we didn't get a glimpse of any of those. And one nasty looking roach-y bug out on the trail.

We drove to Sunset Beach every evening to watch the sunset. I don't know if I have EVER sat and watched a sunset before. We would sit on a stretch of beach probably 300 feet long. One evening two old ladies were walking along the beach talking and shelling and watching the sunset. They meandered in front of us and chose that exact moment to stop and take pictures!! All that beach and right in front of us!! One finally looked around and then realized what they were doing. We all had a laugh over that. It was a fun ritual. Very relaxing.

It was hard to leave such a beautiful place. We felt refreshed and relaxed and ready to retire! We felt like we were really trying our wings.

The problem with our whole rationale behind this trip is that now it is over. While we were gone it was sort of like other vacations we had taken before without Luke. Just a momentary separation.

"Can't you just picture Luke sleeping on this little couch?"

"Wouldn't Luke love to be buried in this white sand?"

"What would Luke think of swimming in the ocean?"

"Luke would think this shell is so cool!"

Now that we're home it feels like loss again. I still think our plan was sound. Maybe I just didn't prepare myself enough for coming home.

On the bright side...tomorrow (Thursday) Luke joins us for a two sleep visit!! YAY!! I talked with him on Sunday and he said, "I want to take a nap but I can't because I'm talking to you." Oh. Since when does he want to take a nap??? In four years I can probably count on one hand the number of times he napped!! I said, "Do you want me to hang up?" He admitted that he would rather stay on the phone with me. I'll take whatever consolation I can!

We're thinking North Captiva Island may be our new fall break tradition. We saw these two birds and thought they represented us...hanging in there together.

10-6 Celebration Party Night

Hello Again,

Yesterday was our first visit with Luke since he left our care. It was so thrilling and hard and complex, all in one.

We had decided ahead of time that we were not going to tell him "We've missed you so much!!!" We have, but we thought that might make him feel bad and discontent and guilty if he didn't miss us when he left. So we have focused on saying, "We are SO GLAD to see you!!!" and trying to emphasize the positive. And we were!

We went and watched his little flag football game on Tuesday. In my mind he would come running across the field, jumping into my arms with the biggest hug you've ever seen. In reality he ignored us during the game. Afterwards we went over to where they were taking pictures and getting snacks. I had to call him over and then had to ask for a hug. He gave it, but didn't talk to us. It was kind of shattering. But I understood. There was, undoubtedly, a lot of confusion..."I live with them now...am I supposed to hug you still?  What can I say? Am I supposed to talk to you?" I'm sure this will lighten as we get more and more visit-history behind us. It was still tough on me.

Last night he came in with huge hugs and kisses. It was glorious.

I've decided to make our every other Friday night just a family night for now. I made his favorite (shrimp and edamame) and he and I whipped up some Rice Krispie treats right before supper. We used goblets for our milk and had candles on the table. (Nothing but the snazziest at my house!) After supper he played with the dogs outside. Then it was shower time.

After he was clean and jammed we played several rounds of UNO. He mopped up on Loy and me. He was so excited, "I won! I won!" That's when the mom in me lectured that you always have to be a good sport and tell the other person "Good Game." He came back with, "Good Game, Losers!" I think we need a little work on our sportsmanship.

We convinced Loy to make the best nachos in the world for our snack (he really is renowned in our family for that), cozied up with a bottle of root beer (isn't root beer always so much better in a glass bottle?) and we watched one of the Muppet movies until really, really late (9:45!!) It was so great to snuggle up with my boy and give him lots of loves and squeezes.

Today was Donut Day with Loy, then we just hung out and read books and baked bread. We also sorted out all the toys in the basement, which was so fun. Many of those toys hadn't seen the light of day for years. All afternoon we sat pretty much side by side and talked to each other on walkie talkies. That was pretty lame and annoying, let me tell you!! And, call me old fashioned, but we did NOT play video games. I'm not going to waste what little time I had on that.

We Watleys are nothing if not exciting, aren't we? But I am convinced that it's the little routines that make things memorable and special. I'm going to try and follow this same game plan for all our visits (but I know there will be exceptions).

I'll admit that, when Luke was in our care, there were Saturdays that just dragged on and on and on...I would think, "Isn't it time to put him to bed yet???" But this weekend the clock hands just seemed to be on fast forward. Before I knew it, it was 4:30 and time to take him back.

But at least now we realize that the sun will still come up tomorrow and that we will see our little guy in 12 sleeps and next time we get two sleeps over here!!! YIPPEE!!

Sleep well, little Lukie. I love you.

9-29 Elisabeth Elliot had it Right

"Do the next thing." Or words to that effect.

That's what I remember Elisabeth Elliot for--that saying that means you don't have to conquer it all at once. Just do one step at a time. Keep moving.

At the end of probably the toughest week of my life, I'm trying to decide just what to write. I don't want to be a total downer--I just can't live life like that.

I had decided to give myself one week to totally wallow in my own self-pity. On Tuesday, instead of going to Luke's football game, I was on the couch watching 147 episodes of "House Hunters International." I haven't cooked since Monday. My kitchen looked like a wreck. I told myself that I could stay in bed late in the mornings (since I don't have to be to work until 11:00).

But, Thursday morning I woke up and thought, "Enough of this." And I set out to do the next thing. I cleaned the kitchen. Made the bed. Made a list. And you know what? It felt good to be doing something again.

Throughout this whole process I have felt like no one but us was actually looking out for Luke's best interests. For where he would have the best chance for success. So I prayed that God, who loves Luke more than I do, as hard as that is to believe, would look out for Luke. Would place him wherever he needed to be, even if it was not with me. And I meant that prayer.

BUT...I DID think that if God was going to place him somewhere besides with me, He would change my feelings. Make me believe it. And I don't. Make me think, "Yeah, he should go over there." But I never said that. Never thought that.

I guess that's where trust comes in. I don't feel it but I have to believe that God is looking out for Luke. That may be through some tough times. I may not understand it at all. But I need to just trust. And keep moving and doing the next thing.

I don't pray that he'll come back here. Now that he's moved, it is best for him to stay there. Imagine how hard that would be to him to have to move yet again!!! Changing parents twice is hard enough, I think.

I pray that he will be safe. I pray that he will not be sad. I pray that he will choose good friends who love God. I pray that he will be obedient at school. I pray that he will sleep well without nightmares. I pray he will know that we love him--always that.

This has been a tough, tough week. And I don't know when it'll get any easier. I talked with him on the phone today for the first time and had to sign off earlier than I would like because I was emotional. His little voice...

These songs calm me down. They remind me to Trust. I believe that God has a plan. I believe that I do not understand it right now. I believe that sometimes trust and belief are choices to be made--not feelings. So, I am choosing to believe.  (And, I must mention, that these are friends of ours in Huddersfield, England, singing these songs.)

As much as this hurts, and it is terrible, in light of what's to come in eternity this will be just a snap of the fingers. My mind cannot comprehend this, but I cannot see the big picture. I can only see this puny time in my little life that is nothing compared to eternity.

Thanks for praying for us. We appreciate each one. We need it to make it through.

Kitt.

Oh, and I needed to end with a happy, make-you-smile picture of my sweetie granddaughter, Payton!

Now what?

So, since it's all about me and everyone is probably just hanging around waiting for me to write the next installment, here's where we're at right now...

Do you ever feel like you're just on the verge of tears, so you distract yourself? I walk around like that all day long. (Well, except when I'm at work...then I'm totally concentrating on medical care and the cost of hemorrhoid surgeries...) One word, a certain thought, a hug from a friend can set me off. I've debated the wisdom of pushing all those thoughts away. Once I get going crying it's tough to stop. But you need to let it all out sometimes, right? I bottle it all up until late at night. Don't call me around 10pm, OK?

Then I look up at the picture of my little Crusader football player and try to remember what it felt like when he'd give me a great hug (or rub my earlobes. He went through a phase when my earlobes were "so soft" that he felt the need to feel them constantly. I thought I was going to end up with earlobes down to my shoulders!)

The best way I can describe what I feel like is to say someone has taken a cheese grater and rubbed it all over my emotions. Can you feel how raw and painful that would feel?

I wanted to go to his football game last night. I thought it would probably be good for him to see me and that I would still be there. But I couldn't do it. It just all seems too fresh. I stayed home.

No one takes theses dogs outside to throw the ball like he did every day after school. They have no one  to leave yogurt containers out that they can steal. The dogs are sad. (On a related note, anyone want two doggies? One year old, females. Papi-poo and shih-poo. Spayed. Complete with beds and food. Enthusiastic dogs. Exuberant dogs. Excellent with kids, but need someone who can channel their energy. Pip and Sparky.)

But...we can eat supper without constant interruptions. I don't have to be sure that I leave work by the stroke of 3:00 p.m. to go get him at school. I can sleep in next Saturday. I just had myself to worry about during church last Sunday. I'd give it all away to have him back.

I realize that what I am going through is nothing compared to some of you. Some of you have had to say good bye for the rest of your earthly life to your loved little ones. I feel selfish for my pain and worry. Some of you have been so gracious offering me words of comfort. It has meant ALOT!

One woman wrote that I will feel better someday. I will be able to sing all the songs at church and not feel like they're scraping that cheese-grater-ed emotion. I will be able to talk about Luke without crying. Not today. Probably not next week. Maybe in a year. That gave me comfort. Someday.

We dedicated Luke to the Lord in front of the church when we lived in England. Here is a transcript of that service:

Pastor Colin:

Lord, we want to just say what a privilege it is for this little boy to be in this family. And we pray, God, that as they seek to bring him up in the Knowledge of Jesus, we know that Luke is not here by accident, that Loy and Kitt do not have him by accident. He’s here on purpose in this family, he’s here by design in this family. And we know that this is the best family he could’ve been put in because you chose this family, so it’s the perfect family for him.

And we pray that as Luke begins to see church, begins to see the Lord Jesus in the house of the Lord, we pray that he will quickly get a revelation from a young age and he’ll begin to see Jesus for himself in a real way. From this age let him take into his spirit, into his heart, into his mind the pearls of the Kingdom an understanding of salvation and let this boy, called Luke, Lord, I pray in the name of Jesus, know what it is to walk with the Lord.

And I just sense the Lord would say this, “From the atoms that were created at the beginning of the galaxy when they were thrown into space, the atoms that were meant to be Luke were purposed for this generation.”

Says the Lord, even now, “You might think it was by default you took this boy into your family. You may think it was by default that you have him this day but,” says your God, “it was not by default, it was by design and, because it was designed and Luke this day is here, because the atoms that I created, the atoms that I put together, the atoms that were formed in his mother’s womb, were purposed for this day, for this time, to be in your family and,” says the Lord, “I will, even this day, come upon you and you will be like parents to this young man and I will give you wisdom. I will give you wisdom of understanding that you have never had yourselves, even bringing up your own children. I’m going to go beyond that and I’m going to give you a greater wisdom for a unique situation. I’m going to give you unique wisdom for a unique time for a unique little boy.

“And this little boy called Luke, even now, I gave him his name before the foundation and the pillars of the world were set in place. He is going to be a Luke. He’s going to be a master medical doctor in the things of the world. He will be a spiritual doctor mending lives, mending broken hearts, mending those who don’t know where to turn,” says the Lord.

“I have given him this name called Luke because I have purposed Luke to be the man I created him to be. And,” says the Lord, “even when you worry about him, even when things do not seem to be working out, remember what I have said--his life belongs to Me and I have designed him to function for Me.”

  

Pastor Andrew: 

Hey Luke. God wants you to know that you’re very special. You’re very special to God. You’re very special to all those people out there, isn’t that right?

God created you to a purpose. You belong to him. That’s why your name is Luke Christian. So you have to always remember that on this day God said to you you’re very special to Him and He loves you with all His heart and He has a big, big heart and He has some big plans for you. They’re exciting plans. So you remember that.

And I just feel for the two of you, just two words. And I kind of know the situation but I really sense, in my heart, as Colin was prophesying, before the beginning of time God had this day planned. And there are so many questions floating around, but two words, “God knows. God knows. God knows.” And in all the things ahead, God knows. Let that settle into your heart. The Bible says, “Even though my mother and father forsake me, the Lord will receive me.” And God has such a plan for Luke that he placed you guys in his life. Remember God knows. Don’t worry about the future. He holds the future in his hands.

I'll try to always remember...God Knows.

Getting Through It 9-20

Hello,

The past five years or so have been really hard ones for me. . . cancer, leaving for England, getting Luke, and now losing Luke. One thing I have discovered is that the way I process things is to write about them. Some crazy people have said that they like to read what I write, so I've started a new blog to journal all this, if you're interested.

Anyhow, almost four years ago we got our little Lukie. He was naughty...so naughty. I remember the first rest time I put him in. When I came to "release" him he had overturned his night stand and toys were everywhere. Another time he took all the knobs off his dresser. Or the time he snuck out into the garage during rest time and was playing in the Loy's jeep when Loy came home. He hightailed it back to his bedroom but left his shoes and a few toys in the jeep, so we caught him. 

He cried out during the night every night...not waking up, just crying. When I went in his room he wouldn't wake up. Just cried. The only thing that consoled him was to sit in my lap and I sang. And sang.

There were many days when he sat on my lap and we sang. Song after song. For hours. 

I remember the "Poopy Trophy." That coveted award was presented after someone went five days without pooping in his pants. He's still got it sitting on his desk.

We would take long walks. He'd walk or run beside me as I pushed the jogging stroller. Then, when he got tired, he'd climb in and eat the snack that was waiting for him. After a rest he'd get out and finish the walk.

We've sat at the dining table and played dominoes or Labrynth or UNO. I can do a 100-piece puzzle with the best of them (although I always saved the last 5 or so pieces for him to do). We've played Play-dough, although I'm terrible. I can only make snakes or balls. 

I've sent him to time out, sent him to his room, and, on occasion, spanked that little bottom. I've sat in the audience during graduations and programs and sports events. 

I've gotten in bed with him at night and played "The Question Game." How many times have I answered what animal I like best or what kind of car I would like to drive?

I think back to those times, then compare him to the confident, funny, obedient kid he is now. He still can be naughty and sassy. He still does things that drive me crazy. He still has much, much energy to burn. 

I love him. He's my boy. 

So, last Tuesday when the gavel struck and the judge said, "Guardianship is terminated." it was the beginning of the end. My little boy is leaving us. Saturday. Two days away. And I don't know how I can even pretend to do this.

Right now I can see nothing good of this. It hurts...terribly. I cry often. But I know that I know that God is here. That there must be some crazy plan that He knows. I don't always feel this in my heart, but my head knows. 

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways," says the Lord. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." That verse is written on the huge chalkboard in my kitchen. At the bottom are three little words, written in 1st grade handwriting...

"I Love Mom."

I love you too, Lukie. Always will.

Done Deal 9-22

Today has been one of the hardest days of my life. Back in the '50's (?) Ray Bradbury wrote a story titled "Last Night of the World." I have stolen very liberaly his idea in this post.

It's not like it should have caught us by surprise. There had been rumblings and threats and promises made for the past year and a half. Each time I would call my friends and pray and fret and worry. And each time, after time, the threat would go away. But last spring things became different. There was more influence than before saying, "You need to get him back." So, this time, the threats became real. 

The last week...the last night...the last morning. How do you deal with those terrible milestones? I considered taking him out of school and just having the biggest Skip Day ever. I considered doing something over-the-top crazy fun. 

Know what we did? We went to school at the usual time. We read our Bible story as usual. We ate supper together as usual. I tucked him into bed as usual. 

And, last night, I followed that pattern. That is what is best for our Luke. To keep his life, which is about to go into upheaval mode, as normal as possible. 

There were lots of tears by both of us as I lay down with him last night. 

"I will always love you. If anyone tells you I don't love you, what do you say?" (It's a lie.)

"If anyone tells you that we didn't want you, what do you say?" (It's a lie.)

"You will have so much fun living with Mommy and Nick. You'll have your room and your baby sister and new friends." 

"Why does she get to decide?"

"Will I ever get to come visit?"

"Will I ever get to see the brothers?"

"If you ever visit our church, please, please, please come and find us."

"We'll see you in 13 sleeps..."

Then, after we had tucked him, Loy and I had more and more tears. My friend, Debbie, says tears get the sad out. I'm hoping so.  

"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book."--Psalm 56:8  I don't think a bottle will do it this time...God, you'd better get a bucket.

This morning was the regular "Donut Day" for Loy and Luke. Then they were home and we sat around and waited. I'll admit, I was a coward. Ten minutes before I expected they would be here to take him from us, I said my "good byes" went for a walk. It was no wonderful, sentimental good bye. He was feeling the stress and was really ornery. He told Loy, later, that he was prickly. 

And they loaded his desk, his shelves, his table (that we uncrafty people made for him), and boxes of his stuff--much more than he came to us with--into a truck and drove away. 

I don't wish them failure. I don't wish that he becomes a juvenile delinquent because he doesn't have my influence. I don't wish him to pine away for me. 

Now, on a practical note, my way of dealing with sadness is to clean. I'm about to go reorganize Luke's bedroom and bathroom and clean it until it shines!! 

I just wish he was back in his little bed in his room. My boy. Always my boy. I love you, Luke.