(Picture taken from "Secret of Nimh")
I had a ticket to the Beth Moore simulcast yesterday. I'm not one of her groupies, one of those who has swarmed to her conferences and bought her books and wears her T-shirt. I've done a Bible study she wrote, but have shied (or is it shy-ed?) away from her, just because I truly dislike sitting in a room watching a screen. I'm all about the relationship. But for reasons that are not important here, I had a ticket.
As the day approached I felt more and more that I did NOT want to go. I wanted to stay home and do my own thing. Begin by cleaning, then some laundry, other mundane chores. I would top the whole day off with a wonderful nap. But I had this ticket...
The night before I thought, "I could stay home and no one would notice. It starts at 8:00 after all..." (if you don't know, I am definitely NOT a morning person.) I went in to check the time and found it didn't start until 9:00. Drat. So I had no excuse.
"I'll just go for the morning session, then bug out." That was my plan.
So, all that to say I was there, not totally willingly. But, as I think is often the case, my reticence to go was directly proportional to the import of what God wanted to teach me. Here's what I learned...
Well, on second thought, let me back up. Some of my "readers" (I make it sound so vast and important, don't I?) are not well-versed in "Spiritual talk." So I'll do a bit of pre-explaining. I'm no expert, but here's how I see things.
God is Holy. Totally.
We are all, every single one of us, sinners. We are born that way. We continue that way. This creates a vast chasm between us. Totally unbreachable by our own actions. In the older times, there were certain laws that were set up that, if followed, would keep us as clean as possible. This is called "The Law."
God sent Jesus, His only son, into the world to save us. He died on the cross to pay for my sins. He paid the penalty of sin once and for all. Nothing I could do, whether good deeds or self-denial or following the law, could do that. Just Jesus. (I don't pretend to totally grasp this concept--the why's and wherefores--but I know it is true.)
If a person acknowledges that Jesus is God, that He is the only way to be assured of eternal life after death, and asks to be forgiven he is accepting "His Grace." Living under Grace means that I accept that the work is done. Nothing I can do will make me more "saved."
Anyhow, back to Beth Moore...
She gave us a test to see if we were living under Grace or under The Law (as we all tend to want to DO more--sort of making light of Jesus' sacrifice.)
Here is my paraphrased version of "The Test" (answer "True" or "False"): (and this is my paraphrase--I apologize if I totally botched it)
1. When I am seeking God's will, do I always assume the hard or unpleasant thing is what God would want me to do?
"For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”--Matthew 11:29-30
2. Do I feel compelled to ask for forgiveness for the same offense again and again?
"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." -- I John 1:9
3. Do I have the tendency to not feel back in God's grace after asking forgiveness?
Doesn't this mean that I am trying to DO enough to make myself forgiven?
4. Do I want to pay penance for my sins?
5. Do I think that God loves me in spite of me?
6. Do I find the parable about God paying the workers who have worked differing number of hours the same wage ...disconcerting?
“For the kingdom of heaven is like a landowner who went out early in the morning to hire workers for his vineyard. 2 He agreed to pay them a denarius[a] for the day and sent them into his vineyard.
“About nine in the morning he went out and saw others standing in the marketplace doing nothing. 4He told them, ‘You also go and work in my vineyard, and I will pay you whatever is right.’ So they went.
“He went out again about noon and about three in the afternoon and did the same thing. About five in the afternoon he went out and found still others standing around. He asked them, ‘Why have you been standing here all day long doing nothing?’
“‘Because no one has hired us,’ they answered.
“He said to them, ‘You also go and work in my vineyard.’
“When evening came, the owner of the vineyard said to his foreman, ‘Call the workers and pay them their wages, beginning with the last ones hired and going on to the first.’
“The workers who were hired about five in the afternoon came and each received a denarius. So when those came who were hired first, they expected to receive more. But each one of them also received a denarius. When they received it, they began to grumble against the landowner. ‘These who were hired last worked only one hour,’ they said, ‘and you have made them equal to us who have borne the burden of the work and the heat of the day.’
“But he answered one of them, ‘I am not being unfair to you, friend. Didn’t you agree to work for a denarius? Take your pay and go. I want to give the one who was hired last the same as I gave you. Don’t I have the right to do what I want with my own money? Or are you envious because I am generous?’
“So the last will be first, and the first will be last.”--Matthew 20:1-16
7. Do I deal with anxiety in my spiritual life?
8. Do I condemn myself often?
9. Do I find it easier to tell others that God loves them than to believe that God loves ME?
10. Do I think that I have to keep in close relationship wit those who have wronged me?
"Take special note of anyone who does not obey our instruction in this letter. Do not associate with them, in order that they may feel ashamed."--2 Thess 3:14
"Warn a divisive person once, and then warn them a second time. After that, have nothing to do with them." --Titus 3:10
"If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector." --Matt. 18:17
11. Do I feel guilty because of "how good I have it?"
Grace is the best thing that could ever have happened to me.
12. Do I often think I am a disappointment to God?
If we feel like we are a disappointment to someone, our natural bent is to distance ourselves from that person. Disappointment means an expectation not met. God knows all. He may be displeased, but not disappointed.
13. Would you realize the truth of Romans 14:17 from being around me?
"For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit, because anyone who serves Christ in this way is pleasing to God and receives human approval."
Here I am, one of God's children, saved by Jesus Christ and I am living as though I have to measure up--as if I am still under the law. And I'm not necessarily talking the Old Testament Law, but "My Law."
Well, it hit me, anyway. Hard. That's the baggage that is holding me down. These pesky laws I have set up for myself to follow.
But, then let me tell you a story. While I was sitting there at Beth Moore I kept noticing one woman. She walked in right ahead of me and I noticed her. She sat alone in front of me and I noticed her. I noticed her when we dismissed for lunch, after lunch, break. I felt God telling me to just say something to her.
I'd love to tell you the story of how I did that and we had this instant bond and all was good. But, no, I ignored the nudging. Don't know why, exactly, but I did NOT want to do this thing. So I didn't.
Living under the Law I would say, "I blew it, big time. I am not worthy to be God's child. I will blow it again and again and again. Why don't I just give it up entirely???"
But, living under Grace I am saying, "God, please forgive me for not listening to You. I want to do what pleases You, but again and again I go my own way. Tenderize my heart so that I hear You more clearly and give me the courage to obey You." And, to that woman who wore the Husker T-shirt and had a little limp and sat all alone, I am so, so sorry. I am praying for you right now.
Did any of this make any sense? Sorry I rambled, but it helps me to process things by writing them down.
On a lighter (and older) note...today is Loy's birthday. YAY Loy!! I had ordered some gifts and only one got here in time, poor guy. But, he is having a great day. Almost all the kids have called to wish him a Happy Birthday. And he's watching football. And he took a nap. A good day to be Loy, I think. He'll just have to wear his new pants another day...
Thanks for reading! If I've said something wrong, please comment and call me on it. A discussion would be fun.
Love,
Kitt.
